Aristotle, a Greek philosopher and widely considered to be the wisest man to have ever lived, postulated that man is by nature a ‘social animal’[1] whose inclination is to live in the company of others. Let us reflect on this statement for a moment and almost all of us are likely to agree that we depend upon others to satisfy our physical as well as our psychological needs. The exuberant enjoyment of life, which is beautifully captured by the French phrase joie de vivre, can rarely be experienced, if ever, by those who live in solitude or by those who, even in the company of others, feel engulfed by a sense of loneliness.
Few of us can truly claim to be leading a joyous, meaningful, and purposeful life. Our changing attitudes are making it even harder and harder to fully engage with our lives and enter into a state of “flow.”[2] Why is that? What is preventing us from building a fun-filled, meaningful, purpose-driven life? One predominant reason could be that we are increasingly focusing more and more on ourselves, trying to maximize our wealth, our assets, our pleasures with scant respect for the needs of others. This attitude of focusing on the self is at the root of interpersonal conflicts, creating animosity between people and hindering the quality of our lives.
In my over three decades of being a student of human behavior, my research repeatedly indicates that we just cannot expect to have a joyous life unless we have deep, meaningful, and harmonious relationships with other people. When people pay attention to each other, share goals, work and play cooperatively, our engagement with life increases and thereby, our satisfaction. Short periods of solitude can be beneficial, it can even be rejuvenating, but our psyches cannot endure extended periods of solitude or a feeling of loneliness. People experiencing trauma, whether physical or emotional, swear that their pain is far more tolerable when there is at least one person who is willing to listen to them and support them emotionally.
What do we need to do to be able to build healthy connections with other people? How can we ensure others enjoy our company and are motivated to help us achieve our goals? My work indicates that of the innumerable things we need to do, the three most important, [3] and indispensable requirements are Love, Respect, and Laughter.
Love: The first requirement, as most of you may have guessed, is love. A love which is selfless, unconditional, genuine, and unadulterated. Love that soothes, placates, heals, and comforts us and others. A sense of empathy and compassion for others is imperative if we are to have strong relationships. In describing love here, I am defining love very expansively. I am talking about the kind of love that is larger than, say, parental love, or the amorous love between romantic partners, or even the love a patriotic person may have for his/her country. Building relationships requires love that is all encompassing, without boundaries, limitless, and selfless. We need to have love, and a sense of gratitude towards others because they listen to us, because they let us cry on their shoulders, because they spend their time with us, because they hug us, because they ruffle our hair to make us feel good, and most of all, just for being there!
Respect: We cannot have healthy relationships without respect for others. Our words and our actions, at all times, should show respect for the views of others regardless of how much such views deviate from our own. Mocking, taunting, and ridiculing others for how they look, how they talk, what they say, the work they do, their beliefs, are all surefire means to kill relationships. This does not imply that we always have to agree with others, rather when we disagree, we do so respectfully. We have no right to insult anyone. Behaving in an uncivil, uncouth way is not gracious. Being respectful also gives us an opportunity to learn, to refine and augment our own intellect because when we are respectful, we keep an open mind and are receptive to new ideas.
Laughter: The importance of healthy conversations in building relationships cannot be overstated. While all styles of conversations, as long as they are respectful and congenial, are helpful, conversations interjected with humor and laughter are tremendously beneficial for us, both physiologically and psychologically.[4]
Underestimating the power of humor is a folly with no parallels. In our conversations, laughter is an emotion that provides a positive context. Laughter indicates a sense of harmony within a group, a sense of oneness, of belonging, and of acceptance. Laughter can ease difficult moments, defray tensions, help build rapport, trust, and unleash a whole piñata of good feelings. Have you ever considered that laughter is one of the handfuls of features that distinguishes us from other species? The ability to laugh is a gift bestowed on humans and we should utilize it liberally and at all appropriate times.
There could be situations when laughter or humor could be inappropriate or unpractical. That should not prevent us from engaging in conversations. In many relationships, most commonly in a marital relationship, one or both partners take refuge in silence hoping that silence will resolve any issues that may have arisen between them or at least, not aggravate the situation. This is a very erroneous approach. Problems are usually resolved more rapidly and more effectively when people engage in conversations fortified with love and respect. Robertson Davies, one of Canada’s most celebrated novelist, commented that for a marriage to be successful, conversations are more important than sex. I will expand on that and say that if conversations are vital to build and sustain a relationship, laughter is the élan vital of this endeavor.
Life is Precious….Live Well
P.S. Perhaps the most frequently used acronym in text messages and email these days is LOL. How about also including #LRL henceforth?
[1] To clarify, Aristotle never used the term ‘social animals’ when referring to humans but “zōon politikon” which means ‘political animal.’ Political here means polis, or community and not any form of government. Over the years, translators of Aristotle’s work substituted ‘social’ for ‘political and the parlance has gained acceptance and is certainly appropriate.
[2] For more on the concept of “flow,” please refer to the works of Dr. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi.
[3] There are many more requisites, such as trust, co-operation, respecting other’s space, acceptance, tolerance etc. in building healthy relationships and by no means I underplay these other factors, all of which are important and necessary to build healthy relationships.
[4] For purposes of this article, I am only focusing on the psychological benefits since we are inquiring into building strong relationships.