In the last few years, however, we experience such stress-inducing events on a daily basis, actually, every few minutes, maybe every few seconds. What is the cause of our experiencing such emotions every few seconds or minutes? The answer lies right in the palms of your hand. If you guessed Smartphones (or cellphones), you are correct! Every time our smartphone alerts us than a new email or a new text message has arrived, or our opponent in a game we may be playing virtually has made a move, our heart pounds, legs tremble, beads of sweat collect on our scalp if we are unable to reach our smartphones instantaneously. So obsessed we have become with such alerts that unless we can attend to the alert instantaneously, we get distracted, are unable to focus on anything, and lose our concentration.

“Our obsession with smartphones is rising to the level where it could be characterized as an anxiety disorder.”

The problem has become so widespread that a new name, Nomophobia, has been proposed to describe the anxiety one feels when out of cellular phone connection. This should not come as a surprise. Deloitte’s Global Telecom Sector practice has been studying the use of cellphones for the past six years. According to the 2016 survey, “Mobile phone usage is up across the board. The time it takes for us to pick up our phones in the morning continues to shrink: more than 40% of consumers check their phones within five minutes of waking up. Likewise we have trouble putting them down, with over 30% of consumers checking their devices five minutes before going to sleep, and half doing so in the middle of the night. All told, we look at our phones approximately 47 times a day, and that number rises to 82 for 18–24 year-olds. Collectively US smartphone users check their phones in the aggregate more than 9 billion times per day.”

Our Changing Social Norms

Much has been written about how people use their phones, their addiction to the device, and the associated health and mental issues that can arise from cellphone usage. The most comprehensive report I found was the Deloitte study referred to earlier and can be accessed here. In this article, my goal is not to recapitulate all the statistics on cellphones use or their effects but discuss how the ubiquity of cellphones and their unrestricted acceptance is changing social norms and our behaviors. I have come across only a few, very few articles discussing this important development in our lives.

Behaviors that were generally considered unacceptable and usually frowned upon in the past are now gaining social acceptance. For example, with quite regularity, we see people at a dinner table ignoring one another, with their attention fixated on their phones. It’s now quite normal to walk into a bus or an airplane or in a hospital’s waiting room and see each person with their head down and their fingers scrolling across the screen without speaking a word or even acknowledging the presence of others. People are seen chatting on their phones even in toilets at airports and other public places, sometime even negotiating business or social deals.

Some of the other behaviors that are changing and slowly but surely gaining social acceptance include the following:
1. Peering at a smartphone during meals, in meetings, while driving, waiting in line at the grocery, basically anywhere and at any time;

2. As a passenger in a car while a friend or family member is at the wheels. Conversations rarely happen among fellow passengers also who are usually family members or friends;

3. Couples go to a restaurant to have a celebration dinner but instead of celebrating and reminiscing about fond memories, either one or both are staring at their phone or tablet;

4. While in a conversation with other people, it used to be that if people did not look into our eyes while talking, we found it difficult to trust them. Under the new rules, this sense of distrust is not felt if people are looking at their phones while talking.

5. The art of conversation is dying a rapid death. Instead of a genuine face-to-face communication where we would get our cues not only from what was being said, but also read body language, listen intently, notice subtle variations in speech tones and actively empathize, we prefer the bland, unemotional way of communicating through cryptic text messages.

The list could run into several pages, but you get the idea. About six months ago, I was visiting with a friend at his home. We had dinner and fortunately, neither of us pulled out our phone at the dinner table. I never do so by the way. But as soon as dinner was over, my friend pulled out his phone and suggested I do the same. I was totally flabbergasted! We were supposedly close friends, meeting after almost 8 years and in my mind, there was a lot of catching up to do, but I guess my friend’s preferences and priorities were different than mine.

In April of 2016, Conan O’Brien published a video on YouTube, “Guiding Hands,” a satirical depiction of how addicted we have become to our cellphones that we need others, guiding hands, to help us even with our everyday activities. This parody is very likely a true portrayal of what our future looks like.

We need to regulate the use of our technology. Technology has to be used to serve its purpose and not enslave us. With mature, otherwise very smart adults unable to regulate themselves, children and teenagers don’t stand a chance. They quickly become addicted to the continual feedback and instant gratification and with every hit of dopamine, their need for the next hit intensifies. We are already at the point where a team of highly skilled neurosurgeons are required to get these devices out of our hands and the problem is only accelerating at a fast pace.

Cellphones are becoming Devices Of [Our] Mass Destruction. Unless we act prudently, and act fast, we are DOOMD (pronounced /du:md/ just as in doomed).

A Note on the Header Graphic: The graphic is a bit extreme because the smartphones are not killing us physically but emotionally, socially, and intellectually. At a loss as to how to depict the death of emotions, I have depicted physical deaths.

Life is Precious…Live Well

As social animals, we derive our joys, pleasures, and experiences through interactions with other people. Too frequently, we begin conversing with someone and what was intended to be an amiable conversation quickly turns into an argument. We try hard to convince someone that their opinion on a particular issue is shaky. We introduce logic, rationale, and relevant analogies to persuade, but our conversation partner remains resolute, refusing to appreciate our point of view. “How can you say that capitalism motivates people to try harder when all it does it favor the rich and mighty?” The result is that animosity develops between the two and may escalate to hatred and bitterness.

Why does this happen? In short, the answer is because of our deeply entrenched beliefs and values which have firmly implanted themselves in our psyche and when we encounter anything that challenges these beliefs and values, we rebel. Our opinions are often shaped by emotions, past experiences, cognitive biases, and any group(s) we identity with rather than facts or rationale. Psychological research suggests that once we become comfortable with our biases, we refuse to appreciate any perspective which challenges them.

Why Do We Refuse To Accept Facts

Our minds are conditioned to hold onto pre-existing beliefs and convictions, a condition which psychologists call “the illusion of validity.” According to Dr. Daniel Kahneman, “for some of our most important beliefs we have no evidence at all, except that people we love and trust hold these beliefs.” The problem lies in that we adopt our beliefs as undisputable truths. Because of this illusion, we construct a story in our mind which we believe to be true but is not necessarily so. People also succumb to the illusion of validity if the group to which we belong, or a group with which we identify ourselves, hold some beliefs regardless of how valid or absurd they may be. A certain amount of plain old inertia also comes into play. We prefer to deny or deprecate any information that is new or uncomfortable rather than alter our views.

Finding a Solution

How do we find a solution to this emotional tug of war? There is no easy answer to this question. But before proffering a possible solution, I would like to caution that we should never ever consider the other person as adamant, irrational, impractical, or whatever negative attributes may come to our mind. Character assassination only makes matters worse. No approach could be more wrong. We need to realize that in all likelihood, the other person also harbors similar feelings towards us and if there is no mutual respect, the chances of resolving matters simply cease to exist. To clarify, for purposes of this article, we are talking about balanced, reasonable people and not bigots or partisans who may internally realize the absurdity in their beliefs but refuse to acknowledge or admit them since they have a vested interest in supporting a cause or group.

Fortunately for us, research also provides a solution but it requires us to be flexible in our thinking and receptive to contrary opinions, a feat easier preached than embraced.

Rebuilding Burnt Bridges

Ideally, in the first place, bridges should not be burnt. Again, this is easier said than done. By the time we realize that we have burnt bridges, it is usually too late and extremely difficult to rebuild them unless both parties realize their folly and setting aside their egos, get down to the task in earnest.

A first step would be to learn about the early years of the person with whom we desire to resolve conflicts, the time in which their personalities were being formed. The conversation could be around the biggest personal challenge they’ve faced, how they overcame those challenges, and what influence external forces had on them. If we listen carefully without being judgmental, we may get insights into why they behave as they do, making it easier for us to empathize with them.

The second step would be to focus on similarities rather than differences between the two. By focusing on similarities, we begin to relate with people in a positive, healthy way.

The third step is to ask open ended questions. By showing a genuine interest in the other person, and trying to understand the reasons influencing their perspectives, we significantly increase our chances of rebuilding the bridge.

Important to keep in mind that at no time during the process should either person adopt an argumentative style nor show any distrust, contempt, or mockery of the other person’s views either verbally or through body language or facial expressions. Nothing will kill the possibilities of finding a solution faster than disdain for the other person. If despair sets in because the other person just does not agree, the conversation should be adjourned and resumed again when the mind may be less perturbed.

The biggest benefit to having such conversations is that our own thinking may evolve in unexpected ways. We are very likely to gain fresh perspectives which could be very beneficial in future discussions with this person and every other person…and prevent the burning of bridges in the first place.

Limitations

Every conflict resolution process has its limitations. For the process discussed here, some limitations include:

1. This process is only suitable to resolve conflicts between two people and not among a group of people. We tend to think and behave differently in a group setting and the dynamics are very different than when negotiating with a single person;

2. For any strategy to succeed, including this one, it is imperative that both partners have an open mind and empathize with the other. If one is affable but the other remains hostile, it does not work and matters become worse;

3. The process of rebuilding bridges is hard and time consuming. If we believe conflicts can be resolved quickly, we are setting up ourselves for failure. May be wiser to not start the process at all;

4. No strategy or process is guaranteed or fool-proof, including this one. We have to take our cues from the situation and modify our approach as we make progress. This, of course, requires some experience and expertise;

5. One cannot overemphasize the desire to resolve. Too often we believe we have the desire to resolve but in reality we only want to assert, and reassert our viewpoint. With such a mindset if you believe you can resolve…good luck!

Life is Precious…Live Well
Business is Strategy…Play Well

Suddenly, we find ourselves locked in our houses and hesitant to step out lest we get infected by the virus. We refrain from visiting family and friends, and on the very few occasions we do, we maintain a distance rather than hugging and kissing them. Gestures of affection and intimacy are now considered unsafe and met with disdain.

While the spread of the coronavirus will be contained at some point, either because a vaccine is developed or the strains die a natural death due to passage of time, it is highly unlikely that our lives will return entirely the way it was prior to the pandemic. Some of the changes ushered into our lives are likely to become permanent.

While the dangers of COVID-19 are real and should not be underestimated, there is another pandemic that has been afflicting societies long before this and there is no evidence that this pandemic will be ever contained. What is worse is that there is absolutely no chance that a vaccine can be developed to combat this pandemic because this is not a disease that can be treated by medication though it could be suppressed for short periods of time, often with detrimental side effects.

Imagine a condition so bad for your health that it:

• increases the likelihood of mortality by 26%;
• affects the health as much as smoking 15 cigarettes a day;
• increases the risk of developing obesity, high blood pressure, coronary heart disease, and stroke;
• expedites the progression of physical and mental frailty;
• destroys cognitive abilities, and accelerates the onset of dementia, depression; and other crippling diseases; and
• hurts the ability to recover from cancer.

(research adapted from the website of “Campaign to End Loneliness,” a UK based non-profit organization

If you think no such condition exists or can ever exist, you are mistaken. This condition is real, exists, and spreading rapidly. This condition is known as loneliness. It’s a pandemic born out of lack of intimacy and touch. The great American writer, Thomas Wolfe, said that “the essence of human tragedy is in loneliness.” While loneliness has been a threat to human lives ever since our existence, COVID-19, and the associated isolation it mandates, has further accelerated the spread of this pandemic.

It’s a pandemic born out of lack of intimacy and touch.

Research on Loneliness: One of the first researchers of the effects of loneliness on our health was Dr. John T. Cacioppo, founder of the Center for Cognitive and Social Neuroscience at the University of Chicago who, together with his colleague Dr. Gary Berntson, are considered to be co-founders of the field of Social Neuroscience, an interdisciplinary field devoted to understanding the relationship between social experiences and biological systems. In 2008, Dr. Cacioppo, with another colleague, Dr. William Patrick, published a book, Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection, the central premise of which is that social cooperation is, in fact, humanity’s defining characteristic. Spending too much time alone, without meaningful interaction with other people, seriously damages a person’s emotional health.

In April of 2017, Dr. Julianne Holt-Lunstad, Professor of Psychology and Neuroscience at Brigham Young University, testifying before the U.S. Senate Committee on Aging, stated that “being connected to others socially is widely considered a fundamental human need — crucial to both well-being and survival. Extreme examples show infants in custodial care who lack human contact fail to thrive and often die, and social isolation or solitary confinement has been used as a form of severe punishment.” Around 2017, Dr. Vivek Murthy, former U.S. Surgeon General, began warning about the health effects of what he calls a “loneliness epidemic” and earlier this year, in April 2020, published his book, Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World. Dr. Murthy begins by highlighting research showing that human beings evolved as “social beings” and isolation is not our natural state. “Humans have survived as a species,” he writes, “not because we have physical advantages like size, strength, or speed, but because of our ability to connect in social groups. We exchange ideas. We coordinate goals. We share information and emotions.” It follows that when we’re not routinely socializing, we feel that something is amiss. Further, he states that “researchers have found three “dimensions” of loneliness: “intimate” (wanting a spouse or confidant), “relational” (seeking close friendships), and “collective” (desiring a community with common interests). To thrive, we need to find the right approach to each of them, and loneliness can result if even one is left unfulfilled.”

Distinction between Loneliness, Social Isolation, and Solitude: Loneliness should not be confused with either “social isolation” or solitude. The difference between loneliness and social isolation was eloquently described by Dr. Carla Perissinotto, a geriatrician and palliative medicine physician at the University of California, San Francisco, who has been researching the health effects of loneliness and isolation in older adults for over 10 years. In her testimony, also to the U.S. Senate Special Committee on Aging on June 11, 2020, she clarified that social isolation relates to the quantifiable numbers of a relationships a person has with other people, whereas loneliness is the subjective feeling of being isolated — or the discrepancy between actual and desired relationships. To interpret, loneliness is a state where an individual desires intimacy and connections with other people but is denied the pleasure.

Social isolation is where an individual, often involuntarily and because of circumstances, avoids the company of other people. Social isolation can also lead to feelings of loneliness, fear of others, loss of confidence, and negative self-esteem. According to Dr. Perissinotto, “being alone doesn’t necessarily mean you’re lonely, nor does being around people mean you’re not.” “Loneliness,” she continues, “is a feeling only the person experiencing it can truly identify.”

Solitude is a deliberate choice people make to spend time alone. People may exclude themselves from social activities and social contact for a brief period of time to either focus on a task, to be free from disturbance, as a time to reflect, or just for the sake of temporary privacy. Paul Tillich, an existentialist philosopher has described loneliness as “the pain of being alone” and solitude as “the glory of being alone.” The Stoic philosopher Epictetus perhaps said it best. His Dissertationes (Book 3, chapter 13) states “the lonely man (eremos) finds himself surrounded by others with whom he cannot establish contact or to whose hostility he is exposed. The solitary man, on the contrary, is alone and therefore ‘can be together with himself’ since men have the capacity of ‘talking with themselves.’ In solitude, in other words, I am ‘by myself,’ together with my self, and therefore two-in-one, whereas in loneliness I am actually one, deserted by all others.”

Steps to Alleviate Loneliness: Before we can solve any problem, we need to acknowledge that the problem exists. And that is the biggest challenge facing loneliness. Dr. Perissinotto says that “There’s a certain amount of stigma attached to any mental illness, but loneliness can be uniquely uncomfortable to talk about. It can feel like a personal failing to admit you don’t have the social network you want, and there’s a tendency for others to blame the victim.” Loneliness, as we have seen earlier, is the lack of connectedness people feel because they are either ignored by others or excluded by others. Thus, the very unfortunate fact is that people who can be instrumental in alleviating loneliness actually perpetuate it, largely because they may have developed an attitude of animosity towards the patient and distance themselves from that person. This is the most often cited cause of creating a feeling of loneliness.

Loneliness, thus, while it cannot be treated chemically, can be alleviated if loved ones change their attitude and create an atmosphere of congeniality. According to Dr. Murthy, “regular people have a vital role to play as individuals in reducing loneliness for themselves and others, in part by greater emphases on kindness and on nurturing relationships with others. The most effective approach then is for loved ones to become aware that it is their attitude that caused the feelings of despair to arise and to begin adopting a more affable attitude. Thereby, they can best help their family and friends rebuild connections. Some psychological interventions, such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Behavioral Activation Therapy have also been effective tools in helping lonely people regain a sense of connectedness, at least with themselves if not with others. A sense of connectedness with self itself alleviates the sense of loneliness to a great extent. Dr. Holt-Lunstad says spending time with friends and loved ones is the most reliable remedy for social isolation. “There’s just something about being with others, and particularly others you trust or feel close to, that people require and rely on,” she says. There is also ample research demonstrating that when we are hugged and touched affectionately by others, oxytocin, a hormone, gets released in the brain. Called the hormone of love, it calms the mind, quelling feelings of anxiety, fear, sadness, depression.

Loneliness does not affect just the elderly, the retired, or the unemployed. While these groups of people are most at risk, loneliness can and does affect anyone. A recent survey showed that 34% of millennials (a term used to describe people born between the years 1980 and 1994) said they “always or often” felt lonely. Stay at home orders and lockdowns in the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic has only increased the number of people reporting a feeling of loneliness.

Loneliness can no longer be ignored. The increasing incidences of this pandemic is a serious threat to our well-being. To destroy loneliness, the least we can do is abandon our differences, our hostilities, and embrace a life of love, a life of unity, and behave like good family members towards one another. I am committed to this path. Will you join me?

Those who educate children well are more to be honored than they who produce them; for these only gave them life, those the art of living well.

Think about it. If we rise up the corporate ladder, create great amount of wealth, or accumulate gold medals at the expense of our children, have we truly achieved success? If we fail to prepare our children to become good citizens, have we accomplished anything?

Bringing up responsible children requires attention, dedication, and effort. If we only prepare our children to follow structured rules, mark bubbles on standardized tests, lead a mechanical life, and excel at computer games, we have failed, we have failed miserably. We need to prepare them such that they become productive adults, good citizens, and caring individuals. Only when we instill in them such values, will they be able to contribute positively to society.

The development of children has to be done while they are still young, while their personality is malleable, and definitively before they develop habits which can be destructive not only to themselves, but can potentially harm the world. If we want to give a certain shape to iron, the iron has to be poured in the desired shape while it is still in a molten state. Similarly, good habits have to be inculcated while the children are still young. Frederick Douglass, simply but eloquently, said

It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.

We may have become successful entrepreneurs, celebrated professionals, or even heads of nations, but if we have failed in bringing up our children well, we have failed, and we have failed spectacularly.

Life is Precious. Live Well©

I write fearlessly. I like to express my mind without being restrained by social, political, religious, or professional norms that seem inane to me. That does not mean I ignore propriety. If I believe the expressions of my thoughts could be rude or disruptive or effrontery, I may abstain from expressing myself.

Thank you so much for your time in reading this article. If you agree with the views expressed here, please like it, and share it across your social media accounts? I will very much appreciate your comments on this article and how I could have improved it for you and others. If you like more of my articles, please read my other LinkedIn posts.

My dad used to write to me often, at least once every week. I always enjoyed his letters though at times, I did not agree with what he had to say. Now, having grown older, I realize how much wisdom he imparted in those letters. I was also fortunate enough to spend a lot of time with him, even though he frequently traveled and was very occupied in his work. He realized the value of spending time with family and always found time to be with me and other family members despite his busy schedule.

In this letter, I am sharing a dozen lessons. Some of these I learnt from my father and some I have learnt over the years. Just like I did not agree with everything my dad had to say in his letters, you may also not agree with everything I have to say here but I hope you will save this letter and other letters I have written to you and those that I will write in the future (I have saved most of my dad’s letters) and read them when you get older. In a decade or two from now, more likely than not, you will also appreciate the contents of these letters.

1. To succeed, we have to work hard, but more importantly, be very productive while we work.

Working productively is more important than working hard.

While the values and rewards of hard work should not be underestimated, it is also important to understand that how productively we work is far more important. For example, two persons are tasked with digging holes. The first person digs 5 holes and the second person digs 2 holes in the same amount of time. The first person has been much more productive than the second person and that will make a lot of difference in what they achieve in life.

2. Do not underestimate the role of chance in life.

Luck, together with hard work, plays an equally important role in our success.

To a large extent, wealth and poverty are caused by the choices we make, the decisions we take, and the paths we choose to travel on. But we cannot underestimate the role chance and luck plays in what we are able to accomplish in life. The families we are born into, the values we adopt, our work ethics, the city/country we live in, as well as the people we happen to interact with along the way, all play a huge role in what we are able to or unable to accomplish. Keep this in mind when interacting with other people and always, always be nice to everybody. If the other person is totally grotesque, and you are just not able to be nice, do not, DO NOT ever be rude or disparaging towards them. Just leave them alone and move on.

3. Money is important but never a measure of success except in a materialistic world.

Money is important, and valuable, but not a measure of success.

I have come to realize and strongly believe that true success in life is measured by how happy our family life is, how many friends we have, how many people will miss us when we depart from the world, and how many will genuinely shed tears when we do depart. As previously mentioned, treat people well, always make them feel they are the most important people in your life, and always make them feel important. If our family life is unhappy, or we do not have true friends, we are merely surviving, not thriving.

4. The secret to amassing wealth.

How much wealth you amass depends not only on how much you earn but more importantly, on how much you save and whether you live within your means or not.

Thus, for example, a person who earns $100,000 a year but spends $110,000 a year will eventually find himself poorer than someone who earns $50,000 per year but spends only $40,000 per year. The takeaway is that we should stay within our means, never get into debt, and never buy things we do not need. It is also foolish to spend money on expensive designer brands when something less expensive works as well. In writing your answers to a college examination, you will not get a higher grade just because you wrote with a Mont Blanc pen that may cost $200 versus writing with a $0.99 cents Bic pen. Save money and let it compound. Over time, it will grow beyond your wildest expectations. Once you’ve built up some savings, you will feel a sense of security that frivolous spenders can never experience, you will have options on how to spend your time, and financial worries will not keep you up at night. You can also retire early from active work if you so choose, but never retire from being engaged. Always be engaged in something productive and activities that bring you joy because then only will your mind stay healthy.

5. Time is one our best friend but can also be our greatest enemy.

Another huge benefit of being wealthy is the flexibility it provides us in choosing how we consume our time.

To a great extent, money allows us to do what we want and when we want. We can hire people to do tasks we would not want to do ourselves, or that we have limited skills in; wealth allows us to pursue that we desire without being forced to engage in tasks just because we have to. Just like money, good use of time brings us riches whereas if we spend our time frivolously, it will bring us pain and misery.

6. Dreaming big is important but also make sure you win small along the way.

Dream big but do not forsake winning small.

Before we can achieve anything, it is imperative that we dream of achieving that thing and then diligently work towards our goal. We rarely, almost never, achieve anything that we believe we cannot achieve. While working towards our bigger goals, it is important that we achieve something every day, no matter how small. Remember that even small successes, over time, can add up to something big. For example, your ambition may be to become the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. For you to win that role, you will have to engage in smaller roles and climb the steps one by one. Only when you prove yourself in smaller roles, will you be entrusted with larger roles.

7. Develop a fluid thought process and never, ever be adamant about anything.

It is good to have opinions but extremely dangerous to stick to those opinions in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

Times change, situations change, and conditions change. As soon as you can adapt to the new realties and change your opinion and your stance, the less frustrations you will experience. Albert Einstein famously said, “a person who cannot change his mind, cannot change anything.” Thus, customs, traditions, and ‘the way things have always been done’ should be respected only as long as they are relevant to the existing situation. Allow your values, actions, and goals to evolve. Do not be shameful about changing your mind if circumstances so demand.

8. Everything has a price.

I dislike using the oft used cliché “there is no free lunch” but it is true. Yes, you may get something for free sometime, but eventually, you will have to pay for it.

The price of being always busy is lack of time with friends and family. The price of earning compounded returns on your money is sacrificing some desires now and practicing frugality. The price of neglecting your health is the large medical bills and a difficult life you face in your later years. Everything worthwhile has a cost which we are unable to estimate or ever calculate presently. Thus, realize that time, relationships, autonomy, and creativity are as valuable, sometimes even more, than the physical cash in your bank account.

9. Nothing is MORE PRECIOUS or MORE IMPORTANT than family.

Family is our most valuable asset.

This is one of the most basic but a profound truth. When we are young and naïve, we rarely appreciate this but eventually we do. Sadly, some never do and not only they, but their family also pays a price for their disregard of this truism. You may not appreciate this concept now but eventually you will. I am not ashamed to confess that when I was young and restless, I also believed that my friends and neighbors were more important than family, but I now realize the folly of that believe. We neglect and/or abandon our family and find solace in friends; our profession; social, cultural, and professional institutions; in our hobbies; or even in sheer laziness. The day of reckoning arrives, and we pay the price. I can only hope you also realize sooner rather than later the importance of family and the role it plays in our success, in our well-being, and in our happiness. Any time spent with being positively engaged with family is time well spent and will yield rich dividends.

10. You stand much to gain when you give.

It is wise to be frugal except when it comes to giving to the less fortunate, the underprivileged, and the vulnerable.

Please go back up and read the second advice. Our success and accomplishments are not only because of our hard work and perseverance but also because we have been lucky. Unfortunately, luck does not bestow its largess equally or even to the most deserving. If we have been lucky, it is our duty to make others lucky. There are millions of people who face adversity because of no fault of theirs. We should come to their rescue as much as we can and as often as we can. You may feel that by giving to others without getting back anything in return is foolish. Actually, let me convince you if I can, that not giving, when you can, is foolish. I have personally experienced, time and time again, the benefits of giving. Feeding someone who is unable to afford food, providing warm clothing to those living on streets, bandaging someone’s wound and all such acts of kindness enrich your life in ways you cannot imagine. The benefits may not be felt immediately, or even soon enough, but they will one day provide you satisfaction and solace that you could never purchase for cash. Have faith and you will not be disappointed.

11. Laughter is the best medicine.

There is no medicine better than a regular, daily dose of laughter.

Laugh and make others laugh and do so as often as you can. I guarantee you will be healthier, more energetic, and more positive. It will also cut down your medical expenses significantly. Give it a try for a few weeks and you will feel the difference in your mood, in your health, and in your environment.

12. Do not blindly accept any advice you are given.

Whenever you are given any advice, including these, examine them and reject them if they feel inappropriate or irrelevant.

Remember, that every printed word is not true nor is everything that is spoken. People do have their own agenda’s, their beliefs, their objectives. Also, the values someone harbors may contrast with yours. So, always use your judgement and only follow advice that seems relevant and is in alignment with what you believe in and helps you realize your aspirations. Watch what people do much more than what they say. Actions, as you know, are always more eloquent than words. At times, people may want to deliberately mislead you but do not assume that people are always malicious. More often, they mean well but on occasions when they are nefarious, your experiences should alert your senses and you should act prudently. The world you live in is different than the world I have lived in, and my world was different than the world in which my parents lived in. As the world becomes more urbanized, more techno-centric, more informed, values shift and so do our attitudes. Be mindful of such changes and your conclusions will be right more often than they are erroneous.

Hope you find what I have said here worthwhile, relevant, and inspirational. In bringing you both up, and speaking only for myself, my focus has been to always provide as much comfort to you both as necessary but also not spoil you. I often feel I failed in this endeavor. I wish I were more rigorous and made you more self-sufficient. Well, let not my failure make you complacent. You can impose a more rigorous life on yourself and pay the price for all that you want to achieve now (when it is easier) rather than later.

Lots of love and the warmest of hugs!

Be bold. Always have a good courage.

Dad

June 20, 2020

Life is Precious….Live Well

Few of us can truly claim to be leading a joyous, meaningful, and purposeful life. Our changing attitudes are making it even harder and harder to fully engage with our lives and enter into a state of “flow.”[2] Why is that? What is preventing us from building a fun-filled, meaningful, purpose-driven life? One predominant reason could be that we are increasingly focusing more and more on ourselves, trying to maximize our wealth, our assets, our pleasures with scant respect for the needs of others. This attitude of focusing on the self is at the root of interpersonal conflicts, creating animosity between people and hindering the quality of our lives. 

In my over three decades of being a student of human behavior, my research repeatedly indicates that we just cannot expect to have a joyous life unless we have deep, meaningful, and harmonious relationships with other people. When people pay attention to each other, share goals, work and play cooperatively, our engagement with life increases and thereby, our satisfaction. Short periods of solitude can be beneficial, it can even be rejuvenating, but our psyches cannot endure extended periods of solitude or a feeling of loneliness. People experiencing trauma, whether physical or emotional, swear that their pain is far more tolerable when there is at least one person who is willing to listen to them and support them emotionally.

What do we need to do to be able to build healthy connections with other people? How can we ensure others enjoy our company and are motivated to help us achieve our goals? My work indicates that of the innumerable things we need to do, the three most important, [3] and indispensable requirements are Love, Respect, and Laughter.

Love: The first requirement, as most of you may have guessed, is love. A love which is selfless, unconditional, genuine, and unadulterated. Love that soothes, placates, heals, and comforts us and others. A sense of empathy and compassion for others is imperative if we are to have strong relationships. In describing love here, I am defining love very expansively. I am talking about the kind of love that is larger than, say, parental love, or the amorous love between romantic partners, or even the love a patriotic person may have for his/her country. Building relationships requires love that is all encompassing, without boundaries, limitless, and selfless. We need to have love, and a sense of gratitude towards others because they listen to us, because they let us cry on their shoulders, because they spend their time with us, because they hug us, because they ruffle our hair to make us feel good, and most of all, just for being there!  

Respect: We cannot have healthy relationships without respect for others. Our words and our actions, at all times, should show respect for the views of others regardless of how much such views deviate from our own. Mocking, taunting, and ridiculing others for how they look, how they talk, what they say, the work they do, their beliefs, are all surefire means to kill relationships. This does not imply that we always have to agree with others, rather when we disagree, we do so respectfully. We have no right to insult anyone. Behaving in an uncivil, uncouth way is not gracious. Being respectful also gives us an opportunity to learn, to refine and augment our own intellect because when we are respectful, we keep an open mind and are receptive to new ideas. 

Laughter: The importance of healthy conversations in building relationships cannot be overstated. While all styles of conversations, as long as they are respectful and congenial, are helpful, conversations interjected with humor and laughter are tremendously beneficial for us, both physiologically and psychologically.[4] 

Underestimating the power of humor is a folly with no parallels. In our conversations, laughter is an emotion that provides a positive context. Laughter indicates a sense of harmony within a group, a sense of oneness, of belonging, and of acceptance. Laughter can ease difficult moments, defray tensions, help build rapport, trust, and unleash a whole piñata of good feelings.  Have you ever considered that laughter is one of the handfuls of features that distinguishes us from other species? The ability to laugh is a gift bestowed on humans and we should utilize it liberally and at all appropriate times.

There could be situations when laughter or humor could be inappropriate or unpractical. That should not prevent us from engaging in conversations. In many relationships, most commonly in a marital relationship, one or both partners take refuge in silence hoping that silence will resolve any issues that may have arisen between them or at least, not aggravate the situation. This is a very erroneous approach. Problems are usually resolved more rapidly and more effectively when people engage in conversations fortified with love and respect. Robertson Davies, one of Canada’s most celebrated novelist, commented that for a marriage to be successful, conversations are more important than sex. I will expand on that and say that if conversations are vital to build and sustain a relationship, laughter is the élan vital of this endeavor. 

Life is Precious….Live Well

P.S. Perhaps the most frequently used acronym in text messages and email these days is LOL. How about also including #LRL henceforth? 

[1] To clarify, Aristotle never used the term ‘social animals’ when referring to humans but “zōon politikon” which means ‘political animal.’ Political here means polis, or community and not any form of government. Over the years, translators of Aristotle’s work substituted ‘social’ for ‘political and the parlance has gained acceptance and is certainly appropriate.

[2] For more on the concept of “flow,” please refer to the works of Dr. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. 

[3] There are many more requisites, such as trust, co-operation, respecting other’s space, acceptance, tolerance etc. in building healthy relationships and by no means I underplay these other factors, all of which are important and necessary to build healthy relationships.

[4] For purposes of this article, I am only focusing on the psychological benefits since we are inquiring into building strong relationships. 

Time is universally acknowledged to be one of the most (if not “the most”) precious resource in the universe and we should utilize every moment, rather every split second, of it. But let’s be honest, most of us, including yours truly, do not optimally use the time we have. We squander, idle, and waste time despite being fully aware that time that is lost, is lost forever, and we can never ever get it back. We do not have the ability to store time, nor increase it at our will, but we do have the ability to misspend time and we all exercise this ability, sometime unconsciously, but often, with deliberate cognizance. William Penn, the founder of the US state now known as the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, very rightly said “time is what we want most, but use worst.” 

There are numerous quotes, articles, sermons, and even books written on the value of time, utilization of time, time management, etc. My objective in this article is not to prepare another compendium on time but share a simple strategy that helps in appreciating the value of time and as a result, can lead to an increase in our productivity.  

Several years ago, I would say about a score and a half, I had the opportunity to spend a few hours with a gentleman named Mr. Pushkar Lal Kedia in Kolkata, India. Mr. Kedia is a renowned philanthropist, mentor to several service organizations, author of several books and articles on spirituality and character building. He has been twice honored by the President of India and been decorated with numerous other awards, honors, and felicitations. 

During our meeting we discussed many things but one of the most memorable discussion we had was on the subject of time and appreciating its value. Mr. Kedia narrated a parable which, whenever I recollect, makes me not squander my time. I am recollecting the parable from my memory and very likely, not exactly the way it was told to me but I am quite confident I have retained the essence of the lesson. Also, I have taken the liberty to slightly modify what Mr. Kedia told me and also expounded it. More or less, the following is what he said:

To appreciate the value of a month, ask the student who had to repeat a whole year of school because an illness prevented him from attending school for a month;

To appreciate the value of a week, ask the publisher of a weekly magazine who could not publish the magazine in a certain week and lost thousands of readers as a result;

To appreciate the value of a day, ask a worker who works on daily wages and because he could not work one day, he and his family had to sleep hungry;

To appreciate the value of an hour, imagine the pain suffered by a mother who has to endure the pain of labor for an additional hour because of certain unforeseen complicacies;

To appreciate the value of a minute, ask a person who missed a flight because he was late by a minute and could not participate in a business meeting which could have been very lucrative;

To appreciate the value of a second, ask the person who fortuitously vacates a building a second before it is ravaged by fire;

To understand the value of a split second, ask the athlete competing in the Olympic Games who misses winning the gold medal because he was behind by only one-tenth of a second.

The key to truly realizing the value of time and utilizing it optimally may perhaps lie in always perceiving ourselves in the shoes of an athlete contending for a gold medal in the Olympic Games. 

Life is Precious….Live Well

For several decades, tobacco was considered the most addictive product. This dubious distinction now goes to some digital products and services which are exponentially more addictive than tobacco and significantly more injurious. Online entertainment portals, otherwise known as digital entertainment sites, proffering streaming movies, games, pornography, nonsensical videos, and virtual friends have captivated people. These digital products and services are proving to be more sinister than tobacco and not only detrimental to our physical health but also to our mental health, our intellect, and our relationships, both personal and professional. Digital entertainment is tainting people’s mindset and destroying human potential.  A more appropriate moniker for such entertainment, thus might be, digital taintment or just “digitaintment.”

Among the several players in the digitaintment space, YouTube, a product of Google is the crown jewel. The YouTube platform includes not only videos but a gamut of products comprising of games, movies, and more. It is estimated that YouTube has over a billion users who consume over 3.5 billion hours of video every month, earning the company over $8 billion in revenues annually. Admittedly, YouTube content includes many useful videos, educational courses, and lectures that could be potentially life-changing but unfortunately, it is the sordid videos that captivates people who spend hours and hours viewing the noxious content.

People today are as nonchalant about the perils of screen addiction as they were to the health hazards of tobacco. During the 1950’s and through mid-1980’s, it was fashionable, rather aristocratic, to be a smoker. People from all strata of society, the poor, the rich, heads of state, industrialists and even doctors were avid smokers. Oscar Wilde even described a cigarette as “exquisite” and said it provides “the perfect type of a perfect pleasure.” In that era, if you did not smoke, you were not “cool.” 

Today, how “cool” you are is determined by how digitally drenched you are. Communicating through messaging services and email is cool. Communicating in person is so passé! Parents and children who may be in adjoining rooms, or co-workers who may even be sharing a cubicle, prefer texting over talking. A person’s popularity and social standing is determined by how many friends, contacts, or followers they have on the many social networking sites and the number of messages they receive daily on WhatsApp and other messaging services. Competency is determined by one’s dexterity in playing online games such as Candy Crush, or Farmville, or Minecraft, or perhaps the number of Solitaire games one can win in a row. A person is considered learned and well-informed not by how many literary masterpieces, biographies, or other great books they have read but how many Netflix series they have devoured and their ability to understand the plots and twists from the episodes. Eloquence is the ability to narrate one’s thoughts in 140 characters or less, well-articulated expressions are so very ancient! 

People have also developed a penchant for shopping online, whether it be for tangible goods or services or a job or friends or even a date. This trend is understandable because online shopping is generally more convenient, faster, and often cheaper, and the selection of goods and services is usually larger. On the flip side though, we need to be aware that online shopping is making us even more sedentary and also isolating us from the richness and experiences that personal interactions with other human beings can provide. 

Living in isolation is living in misery. There is ample evidence proving that living in isolation causes intense suffering and severe psychological harm. Recognizing the excruciating damages that an isolated life can cause, our legal system also metes out isolated confinement to only the most dangerous and violent criminals as it is considered to be among the most extreme forms of punishment.

The harmful effects of digitaintment and screen addiction is also beginning to get the attention of psychologists, neuroscientists and other mental health professionals. According to the Journal of the American Academy of Psychiatry, digital addiction is a kind of solitary confinement and can cause an array of mental disorders. In addition, hundreds of clinical studies show that constantly watching a screen increases depression, anxiety, aggression, and can lead to psychotic like features where people lose touch with reality. “Such a dependence on screens”, according to Barbara Fredrickson, a professor of psychology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, “may be taking a toll on our biological capacity to connect with other people.” 

While digital addiction is afflicting people of all ages and background, children and youths are the worst affected. Parents, eager to calm a crying child, provide a phone or a tablet to children as young as 2 years old and the addiction begins to take roots. As they grow older, their addiction also aggravates and reaches a point where all they care about is their screen, whether it is on a phone, tablet, laptop, or a television. Developmental psychologists emphasize that children’s healthy development involves social interaction, creative imaginative play, and an engagement with the real, natural world. The immersive and addictive world of screens in which the children are growing up, unfortunately, is stunting these developmental processes.

 Researchers have identified several negative traits typically observed in screen addicts:

• a staunch preference to spend most of the day and almost every day confined to their homes or in an indoor secluded space;
• persistent avoidance of social gatherings;
• working on their school or work assignments in front of multiple devices, with multiple windows open on each device, where one may be related to their task and the others a combination of YouTube, a gaming site, Facebook, Netflix, or even pornography;
• a feeling of restlessness and anxiety when away from a screen for even a few minutes;
• sleep deprivation, a fleeting focus, and a significantly reduced attention span;
• an uncontrollable impulse to fact-check everything instantly, whether it is a physician’s diagnosis, or any professional’s expert opinion, or just a statement made by anyone during those now rare moments of face-to-face conversations;
• restlessness and irritability if they are not instantly gratified;
• lack of appreciation or desire to build strong, positive relationships with other people.

Addiction to screens in children (and increasingly, in adults too) is so deeply ingrained that instead of playing a game of tennis or soccer or chess or scrabble with real people, they prefer to play online, on their device, in the comfort of their chair or bed. Upon waking up each morning, rather than stretching their limbs and preparing for the day ahead, their hands leap for their smartphones so they can play a game, or watch a video, or check their messages even before their eyes are fully open. The work desk doubles as a dining table as food is gobbled simultaneously while playing a game or watching a video. Focus on screens is prioritized over food, sleep, exercise, or physical movement, barely leaving time for engaging in any meaningful or constructive pursuits. In seeking momentary joy and pleasure, they severely undermine their career prospects and future well-being. 

Unwittingly, children addicted to screens are adopting the lifestyle of the Hikikomori, self-styled modern day hermits of Japan, who intentionally lead a reclusive life, isolated from society. Emotionally tormented by technology, they develop a fear of meeting people, and to avoid any contact with people, generally sleep all day and spend their nights surfing the internet. Devoid of any purpose in life or ambition, such people become depressed and stray into a life of crime and drug use. Or their life may mimic the path of Lee Seung Seop, a 28 year old who succumbed to a cardiac arrest following a non-stop gaming binge online for over 50 hours during which time he neither ate nor slept.

Lured by the cost-effectiveness of peddling goods and services online, accessibility to a global customer base, and higher profit margins, e-commerce is proliferating. While businesses cannot be faulted for setting up shops online or how visitors use their sites or how much time they spend on their portals, what is concerning is the way e-commerce companies promote their offerings and encourage binge behavior, whether it be watching videos, shopping, gaming, or browsing their content. Exhibiting a complete apathy for the effects their portals are having on human development, these companies design their sites such that people get hooked and stick around for much longer than intended because more time on their sites translates to more revenues for them. This is very akin to tobacco companies who enhance nicotine with chemicals to make it even more addictive. Once addicted, people find it difficult to quit despite repeated attempts. In the digital world, a probably harmless intent to play one game or watch one video extends to a marathon of several games or multiple videos, and in many instances, consuming their entire day.

The rapid pace with which screen addiction is afflicting people is bound to have troubling ramifications for the addicts as well as the economy. Screen addicts aren’t gaining skills or experiences that will equip them to solve life’s simple problems or find meaningful employment. These addicts, apparently, are also bereft of any worthwhile goals or the desire to build a brighter future. Devoid of any interest in learning a new craft or a new language or in improving their communication or any other life enhancing skills, the only ambitions they harbor is watching as many videos as possible, or playing online games as often as possible, and a race to garner more “likes” and “followers” than their peers. A life lived such apathetically will only lead to a lifetime of decreased wages, limited opportunities, and an unsatisfying career. In essence, a significantly diminished life awaits them.

The pace of technological advancements is rapidly altering our social, cultural, and professional landscape, often for the better but sometimes for worse. In the past couple of decades, many innovative companies have emerged and the crown jewel among them is again, Google. Undeniably, Google has introduced many products that have made our lives simpler, better, and easier and deserves applause for bringing such innovative products to market. However, as and when uproar arises over the havoc created by digitatinment, Google will likely get the bulk of the ignominy, followed by Facebook and Netflix.  And a word of appreciation for Yahoo! for discontinuing its games portal.

One may think that screen addiction would be easy to give up. Unfortunately, it is going to be harder to give up than smoking or alcohol or even gambling. The primary reasons being internet is always available, quite inexpensive, and there is no social stigma associated with internet use as yet. Additionally, content on the internet is constantly and rapidly increasing. Consider that about 400 hours of video is uploaded on YouTube alone every minute. Including the content being uploaded on other sites, it may add up to several thousand hours each minute!

This is no time for complacency. If we have any desire to protect ourselves, our children, and our world from the potential havoc that digitaintment can unleash, we need to act, and ACT NOW. 

 Life is Precious. Live Well

Credits:

1. An artist illustration of the Hikikomori created by Yuta Onada.   Downloaded from http://www.warscapes.com/opinion/hikikomori-postmodern-hermits-japan
2. My sincere thanks and appreciations to my friend Rajen Parikh for painstakingly reviewing my drafts and helping me refine the article.

You may or may not find the quoted phrase of much significance, but for me, no other phrase is more sacrosanct. Essentially, these words (I will use “words” going forward rather than “phrase” because “words” seem to have better connotation) have shaped my thinking, molded me, and define me. In short, these words have been instrumental in helping me accomplish whatever little I have accomplished in my life. The emphasis is on little because my accomplishments have been scant and nothing to brag about.

Why the profound effect on me of these words? The story:

For about 20 years, my father would write to me almost every week. I was less diligent, writing just about once a month. Each of his letters was signed as follows:

Be Bold. Have a Good Courage.

Affectionately,

father

During our conversations also, he would often repeat these words.

As a child and young adult, I did not comprehend the impact these words were having on me. Of course, as is typical of teens and the naïve, I was also somewhat arrogant and brash those days. And, I think, also a little bit more rebellious than what is generally considered normal for people in that age group. Quite likely, and I will not deny it, at times I may have also ridiculed these words as the gibberish of an old, senile person. But honestly, and very probably, that is not true. I have no recollection, however feeble, of such thoughts ever crossing my mind.

The words, I now realize, were subliminally building my courage; my resilience, and my character. In hindsight, and now that I am a little bit wiser (hopefully!), I believe these words:

• have inspired me to take responsibility for my life;
• have bolstered my risk taking abilities;
• have encouraged me to explore new avenues; try seemingly impossible things;
• have frequently aroused my curiosity;
• have prepared me to confront any situation and to persevere in the face of adversity;
• have given me the confidence to talk to anyone, anytime, and anywhere;
• have prodded me to travel to places where many would fear to tread;
• have enabled me to see opportunities where seemingly none existed;
• have challenged me to tackle uncertainties, not surrender to them;
• have instilled in me the audacity to not only dream big but pursue them persistently.

Subconsciously, these words and the relentless manner in which he always incited me to achieve more, take risks, and conquer my fears have been dominant in shaping my personality. In narrating the impact of these words on me, I may be exaggerating somewhat but, trust me, the smoke is not arising without any fire. And lest you think I am exceptional in any way, let me clarify I harbor no such fallacy. I am just an average (or even below) dude with my share of weaknesses and shortcomings. Lack of courage, albeit, is not one of them.

Fear is not only insidious but much worse

Of all human emotions, fear is probably the most insidious and nefarious. (For purposes of this article, I am only referring to mental (or emotional) fear and not physical fear. In certain situations, physical fear proves beneficial).

My father, fully aware of how debilitating mental fear can be, was making sure I was not subdued by it.

Fear tends to sneak upon us very slyly. Eventually, it dwells within us without our realizing that it has comfortably secured a place in our psyche. Restrained by fear, we justify our actions (or inactions) by asserting self-defeating excuses like “it is only wise to be cautious;” or “I do not like changes;” or “better to be safe than sorry.” We refuse to admit that our actions (or inactions) are being dictated by fear. Rather, under the pretense of managing risk, disguising our fears as prudence, we nurture and reinforce our fears. In doing so, we sabotage our careers, let opportunities pass us by, deny ourselves even simple pleasures, and unknowingly, create a pernicious environment around us. By restraining ourselves, we jeopardize our growth, we deny ourselves the opportunity to learn, and we fail to acquire new skills.

Before any misunderstandings arise, let me clarify that I am not advocating that we act brazenly, recklessly, or indiscriminately. I guess this is what my father also implied by saying “have good courage.” We should be mindful of the risks we assume, but we should not be paralyzed by fear and seek the easy way out. Such behavior can, will, and always leads to the destruction of our ambition, of our capabilities and our happiness. Fear makes us procrastinate, robs us of our initiative, clouds our judgment, and prevents us from expanding our comfort zone.

Fear is almost always irrational. Unlike phobia, which is more of an anxiety disorder, fear is a learned behavior. Confronted by a threat, we tend to invoke fear as a survival mechanism when in actuality, most often, the threat is only perceived and not real. Refusing to act because we fear failure, avoid speaking in public because we fear ridicule, hesitate to ask for a date because we fear rejection, not ask for a promotion or a salary raise because we fear rebuke are all examples of irrational fears. When we live in fear, we do not actually “live,” we merely exist.

Summary

Fear and overconfidence are the greatest impediments to our success. Repression of fear is not the solution because by doing so, slowly but surely, we diminish ourselves. If we want to grow, enjoy life, and utilize our capabilities to the fullest extent we need to eliminate fear from within us. And while we should be confident, we should never ever be overconfident.

Like other learned behaviors, fear too can be unlearnt. It will be difficult, but not impossible. What will be more difficult is first acknowledging we have fear within us and then embarking on the journey to free ourselves from its clutches.

Life is Precious. Live Well.

 EPILOGUES:

1. My father is unable to write now because Alzheimer’s has demented his mental faculties. I miss his letters. We are unable to meet often either because of the physical distance separating us (he lives in Kolkata, India & I live in San Diego, CA). I do try to travel to Kolkata as often as I can (usually every 8-9 months) to spend as much time as I can with him and my mother. Though he does not repeat these words anymore, one solace is that he at least recognizes me and is aware that I live in the US. When we meet, the conversations mostly revolve around (a) when did I come? (b) when will I return to San Diego? and (c) what do I do for a living? I have to answer these questions several times a day. At times irritating, I relish them realizing that one day, I might yearn to just hear his voice, longing to hear him say something, anything! 
2. While this article is about FEAR, in equal measure, it is also a tribute to my parents (large image). Though I have not attributed any phrase or words in this article to my mother, her contributions in our (mine and my siblings) upbringing have not been insignificant. Actually, she has toiled even harder than my father in bringing us up. In her own distinctive manner, she continues to teach us about life and the importance of living a purposeful life. My siblings and I unanimously agree that we can never adequately express our gratitude to them, no matter how hard we try. If I could meet even half of their expectations, I would feel better, but I have failed in doing so. I have not been able to accomplish even an iota of what they have.
3. The article is also a tribute to (a) all courageous men and women (military personnel, firefighters, police, etc.) who sacrifice their personal lives and the lives of their loved ones so that others can live in peace and safety; (b) to those courageous men and women who do not shy away from endangering their own lives to save the lives of others; (c) to entrepreneurs and business owners who have the courage to pursue their dreams; and (d) to all executives of corporations who manage their companies efficiently and provide a livelihood to thousands of people. I salute and honor you all.
4. This article delineates FEAR but does not address how to recognize it or overcome it. Those details could be covered in sequels if there is sufficient reader interest. Please leave a comment below if you have an interest in follow-up article(s) on the subject.

The (Not-So) Fine Print:

About me: I am tax and business strategist who is yet to be widely discovered. When either strategy is astutely applied, individuals and businesses can benefit tremendously. In combination, the results can be very potent.

About my articles: My articles do not make for easy reading because they are written to make the reader pause and think. In writing, my goal is not merely to inform but provide a perspective; not teach but educate; and not to dispense advice but lay the groundwork for fertile exchange of ideas and opinions. I will mostly write on Business Strategies (tag line: Business is Strategy. Play Well.) and on Personal Development (Life is Precious. Live Well.). Most of my posts will focus on these areas, but occasionally, I may wander just for a change of pace. While I cannot be certain that you will enjoy my articles, I can guarantee that I will express my mind fearlessly, without being restrained by social, political, religious, or professional norms that seem inane to me. And while I am not expecting you to agree with my views, I hope I am able to provide a different perspective. I would love to know if I am succeeding in these objectives. Your comments below will be highly appreciated.

Credits & Appreciations

1. The illustrations accompanying this article were created on www.canva.com. I thank and appreciate the friendly folks at Canva for creating an easy to use but a very versatile platform for creating graphics and illustrations. With a little effort, even amateurs like me are becoming designers!
2. I would also like to express my appreciations and gratitude to LinkedIn Corporation for allowing all users to post on their publishing platform. The ability to share our writing with a large audience is a privilege.
3. The photograph of the “Tomb of the Unknown Soldier” is a Creative Commons image on www.flickr.com.
   1. Photography: Mark Fischer
   2. URL: http://bit.ly/1gQsEQT
   3. License Rights: http://bit.ly/1oMv8B7

Thank you Mark for allowing your creative work to adorn our articles!

“Indeed, he [Ziegler] regarded himself, just as every person tends to do, as a unique individual, while he was really typical. He believed that his life and destiny were at the center of the world’s attention, just as everyone does. He had very few doubts, and when facts contradicted his views on life, he shut his eyes in disapproval.”

– Hesse, Hermann, A Man by the Name of Ziegler. Translated by Jack Zipes

In the fairy tale, “A Man by the Name of Ziegler,” Hesse, narrating the life of a common man, simply but very eloquently elucidates a human frailty, overconfidence, which is pervasive and deeply entrenched in our mentality. While confidence is a highly desirable trait, and vital for attaining success in business or in life, too much confidence, or overconfidence, has proven to be fatal. At the very least, overconfidence can make our lives inauthentic, bereft of any meaning, just like the life of Ziegler!

What is Overconfidence?

Stated simply, overconfidence is excessive confidence. This “simple” explanation, however, is actually quite deceptive as it makes us believe that because we have an abundance of confidence, we are blessed. And consequently, we are superior to everyone else! This thinking is what makes overconfidence pernicious. Probably, to no other human attribute does the adage ‘too much of a good thing can be destructive’, applies more precisely.

Psychologists studying human behavior consider overconfidence to be an outcome of our inherent biases, predominantly our “self-serving” and “egotistical” biases. These biases cause people to evaluate information in a way that serves their self-interest, with complete disregard for how the information might impact others. Other biases breeding overconfidence include the “confirmation bias” and the “recency bias.” Confirmation bias leads us to believe or remember information that corroborates what we already know, reinforcing our previous opinions rather than encouraging us to analyze new information critically to arrive at a logical conclusion. Recency bias is the phenomenon which makes us remember something that has happened recently and believing that what happened before will happen again. “Narcissist” tendencies, an imprudent and highly exaggerated admiration of our physical and mental attributes, also contribute to overconfidence.

I am of the opinion that a combination of some or all of these biases develop into a delusion. Though a bias may seem similar to a delusion, they are not the same. A bias can be present with complete awareness, whereas a delusion is a false belief which we consider true and which makes us impervious to any logical reasoning. Based on these considerations, I think overconfidence is aptly described as a “narcissist delusion.”

The Perils of Overconfidence

Human personalities are replete with imperfections and they are far acute than we realize. Overconfidence is probably the most pervasive of all our imperfections. While imperfections alone may not be pernicious, our abiding belief that what we know, we know perfectly is what makes overconfidence fatal. We also believe, to our detriment, that we know everything about everything. Psychologists studying human behavior are of the opinion that overconfidence causes us to act and behave in ways the outcomes of which range from costly to catastrophic. Intoxicated by overconfidence, people blithely believe their abilities and their competencies to be significantly above average, or better than most people. So overconfident can we be in our beliefs and judgments that we consider any conclusions we reach to be the correct one even if there are ample evidences proving otherwise.

Prof. Mark Leary of Duke University has done pioneering research in the field of social and personality psychology. While not speaking of overconfidence explicitly, but on self-reflection, Prof. Leary says that despite its obvious advantages, our ability to be self-reflective comes at a high price. Few people realize how profoundly their lives are affected by self-reflection or how frequently inner chatter interferes with their success, pollutes their relationships with others, and undermines their happiness. The inherently egocentric and egotistical manner in which we process information blinds us to our shortcomings and undermines our relationships with others.

Based on extensive research, Prof. Leary has observed the following:

• Perhaps the biggest bias in people’s perceptions of themselves involves their penchant for overestimating their own positive qualities;
• Among other things, the capacity for self-reflection distorts people’s perceptions of the world, leading them to draw inaccurate conclusions about themselves and other people, and prompting them to make bad decisions based on faulty information;
• People tend to judge themselves as better than the average person on virtually every dimension that one can imagine;
• We each tend to think that our view of the world is the correct one and that other reasonable, fair-minded people will (or at least should) see things the same way we do.
• When other people disagree with us, we naturally assume that they are deluded, ignorant, or biased;
• Once formed, people’s self-concepts strongly influence their behavior.

Delusions resulting from self-reflection even extend to our mental attributes when we compare ourselves to other people in terms of kindness, fairness, and impartiality. For example, we conclusively believe that we are fairer, kinder, more compassionate, and less biased than to whomever we are comparing ourselves to. The most damaging aspects of these delusions are that we rarely see through them because we truly believe that we are better than most others in most respects. But few realize how fatal such erroneous judgments can be to us professionally and personally.

Impact of Overconfidence on our Personal and Professional Lives

The gratification that we derive from overconfidence, or our narcissist delusions, is usually ephemeral, quickly turning into suffering. Some of the ways overconfidence can be detrimental include the following:

• Inflated Opinions of Ourselves: We consider ourselves unique, unlike anyone else in the universe. Such an inflated view makes us arrogant and haughty;
• Impairs our Decisions: Overconfidence causes us to ignore realities because the realties contradict our opinions and make us feel worse. Overcome by feelings of inadequacy, we assert our position even though we know that the stance we are taking is faulty;
• Be Poor Team Members: Research shows that when we work as a group, we tend to give ourselves more credit when the group succeeds in a task and blame others when the group fails. Such an attitude, understandably, creates conflict with other team members, creating an atmosphere of mistrust;
• Deters us from Improving Ourselves: Our overconfidence, coupled with the belief that our perception of the world/situation/event is the correct one, deters us from improving ourselves. Convinced that we are right, we refuse to change ourselves, rather, we believe, it is others who need to change;
• Undertake Tasks Beyond Our Reach: Overestimating our abilities and skills and claiming to be expert at many things, we undertake tasks far beyond our capabilities, leading to failure;
• Tendency To Exploit Others: According to Dr. Leary, our narcissist tendencies causes us to believe we are superior to other people and thus, we have the right to take advantage of others;
• Deride Others: People tend to see other people’s biases much more clearly but are relatively blind to their own biases. This can cause people to disparage the ideas of others, creating conflicts and misunderstandings;
• Intolerance for Contradictory Opinions: We can be so adamant about our perspectives and our beliefs, that we not only ignore different perspectives but if we have the ability, we try to eliminate the spread of views contradictory to our own. To illustrate, Galileo, Anaxagoras, and several others have been executed, expelled, or otherwise condemned because the views they espoused sharply contradicted those of the establishment.

Benefits of Overconfidence

While overconfidence is, for the most part detrimental, it does have a few advantages and can be beneficial to us in certain circumstances:

• Strong Motivator: Overconfidence can help us stay motivated in the face of adversity and setbacks. Since we blame others, or the circumstances, or the environment for our failures, the belief that we are not responsible for the setback helps us stay motivated;
• Stay Positive: Judging oneself positively helps us feel good and reduces our anxiety because we believe that given our positive attributes, eventually we will succeed. This thinking helps us maintain positive feelings;
• We Try Harder: Because we feel that people do not recognize our qualities, or appreciate our skills, we strive harder to engage in productive activities and create a good impression on others.

Overcoming the Perils of Overconfidence

Overconfidence is a habit that develops insidiously. If we are to overcome its perils, we first have to become aware of it and acknowledge we are afflicted with it. Eliminating overconfidence, or even reducing it however slightly, will help us not only endure the difficult moments in life but find the happiness we seek. Here are some steps we can take to abate our overconfidence:

Develop an appreciation for views that diverge from our own and not believe that we know everything.

• Not be pretentious. Legend has it that the Oracle at Delphi adjudged Socrates to be the wisest of all men not because of his intellectual prowess but because he accepted his own ignorance and never pretended to know something he did not;
• Take an honest inventory of our skills and our shortcomings. Introspection may be helpful;
• Being rational rather than impulsive in our decisions and actions;
• Finally, I recommend a few minutes of meditation each day. Assuming that readers of this post are familiar with the therapeutic and mind-calming effects of meditation, no elaboration may be necessary. The benefits of meditation take long to manifest but with regular practice, our perception does become holistic.

Eliminating, or even reducing overconfidence is not going to be easy. Dr. Daniel Kahneman captures this fallibility of human beings very precisely when he says, “our comforting conviction that the world makes sense rests on a secure foundation: our almost unlimited ability to ignore our ignorance.” [Kahneman, Daniel, Thinking, Fast and Slow]

Extermination of overconfidence may be difficult but with the strength of our convictions, we can achieve it. We need to take control of our overconfidence and not let it dominate us. We can achieve success and find happiness only if we get the Ziegler out of us!

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I write to enhance my own learning. The best way to increase one’s learning, I feel, is by sharing what we know with others. The desire to write also motivates me to read voraciously. It also motivates me to research topics I know little about and seek out experiences in settings both traditional as well as radical. But I learn best from the comments I receive from readers. These comments, being addressed specifically to my thinking, help me refine my thought process.

I also write fearlessly. I like to express my mind without being restrained by social, political, religious, or professional norms that seem inane to me. That does not mean I ignore propriety. If I believe the expressions of my thoughts could be rude or disruptive or effrontery, I may abstain from expressing myself.